In Need of Answers

Right now, I don't care about using fake names. I'm not in the mood to coat anything. I'm sorry for not updating in a few days, but it's not like anyone really cares whether I do or not.

Friday, one of my best friends, Allen, kind of flipped out on me. He told me that I frustrate him and that I annoy him and he was going to stop talking to me. I don't understand why, but whatever. My friend, Kayla, and I figured that he likes me. I made the mistake of telling him about the guy I like.

I told him all about this guy pretty much. I told him that I wanted to tell this guy that I like him. I could tell that is was a sore spot, but I didn't pay much attention to it. All night Friday he kept bugging me and demanding that I tell that guy. And then he gave up.

He said, "I don't know why I care so much whether you tell him or not. I couldn't care less, really. So, I give up. I know you're not going to send that to him. I don't care anymore."

It hurt at first. And then I just put it to the back of my mind. He was somewhat fine the next day. I even told him that he was one of my best friends. And he said that I am one of his.

Sunday, he came to my youth group. He was perfectly fine. He was messing around with me, he was playing with me. He was joking with me. He was completly normal. And then today came around.

He was perfectly fine. I saw him before and after 2nd hour and before 4th. He acted completly normal. Then, it was lunch time.

A friend of Kayla's and mine, Ellen, sat down in Allen's spot. Well, he'd been in study hall and in a different lunch for the past 4 and a half weeks, so he hadn't been there. I asked her to move because that was his spot. When he got out of the lunch line, he sat at a different table. He didn't even look over at us.

In the hallway, he didn't sit by us like he usually does. We usually walk to 6th hour together, but he blew me off and left me.

Afterschool, he sent me a text saying that he won't be sitting with us anymore. That he gives up on me.

He said, "I can't leave for 4 and a half weeks without you changing everything. I sat in the same spot while I was in study hall and I get back and everythings changed."

I told him about me asking Ellen to move. He said, "I don't care anymore, Brandi. I quit caring about a lot of stuff a long time ago." Then he said he didn't want to talk anymore.

To me, it sounds as if he doesn't want to be friends with me anymore. A little over a month ago, I recieved a text from him saying, "You're a good friend. You know that?" How could that have changed so drastically? How could things have changed so much in the course of one weekend?

How did I manage to lose him like that? Is it my fault?

His cousin told me that Allen likes me. I knew that. He also said that I am a very flirtatious person. That's true, I can't help it. I never even know that I'm doing it.

He said that he probably got the wrong impression. Allen and I talked about dating a few weeks back. We agreed that it would be best not to. And plus, he has a girlfriend.

I don't understand how I screwed up this time. I really don't. I really wish there was someone that could clue me in, because I have no idea. And I would really like to know. This wednesday and Thursday we have mid-term exams. He pulled this crap right before exams.

I am so stressed out about everything at the moment, that it feels as if my head is about to explode. I don't know what to do anymore. Everyone keeps telling me not to worry about it. Don't think about it. He'll come around!

But what if he doesn't? What if he decides he never wants to see my face ever again? He was one of my best friends. I can't lose him. I told him everything. How do I deal with that?

I can't just sit back and let him pull this crap with me. It'd be like letting him walk all over me. I need him as my friend. I don't have many in which I can call my best friends. If he leaves, I have a feeling he won't be coming back..And it scares me. It really does.

My friends say, he's not worth getting stressed about. And they're probably right. But I can't help it. It really hurt when he said those things to me. It hurt so much that I cried. Friday, he made me feel so guilty. I haven't mentioned half the things he said to me.

Today, he made me feel somewhat worthless. As if I'm just a pawn in a game. Well, I don't want to be a pawn. I want to make a difference. I want to make a difference to someone. Right now, I don't feel like I am. I do feel worthless. I feel like no one should care about me anymore.

Now, I'm probably being overly dramatic, but you try having your best friend tell you some of the things he's said to me over the past few days. You'd say the same thing. You try having a very close friend of yours say something where it feels like he's stabbing a knife through your heart.

Okay, I'm done ranting. For now. I might wirte another post, just for the heck of it. No one is on right now and I have no one to talk to. You're my only source of entertainment at the moment.

Anyways, let me know if y0u have any adivice. Talk to whoever reads this later. Not that any one even reads this anyways..but still.

Christmas Video

Hey, sorry about not posting last night. I completly forgot until I was laying in bed trying to sleep. And I'm exhausted at the moment, so I'll try to keep this one short.

Last year, I had a christmas party with Matt, Kristen, and Carl. Well, this year Carl probably won't be there. So, Zerk is coming instead. Last year for the party, I made a movie with different pictures of the four of us.

I decided to do that again. But it's quite tricky since I don't have that many pictures of Zerk. I asked him to send me some, so hopefully he will. And the movie should be quite funny. I can't wait.

His face is going to be so red, it's going to be so cute. Haha, I just can't wait.

Well, like I said, I'm exhausted and I have a migraine. SO! I am going to bed now. I will try to post tomorrow. Talk to yall later. Bye!

Issues and Snow Days

So, I told myself all day today that I was going to go to bed early tonight. Well, it is 10:52 at the moment............Well, at 3:30 I took a nap..and kind of didn't wake up until 7:30...

So, technically I'm pretty much caught up on my sleep! Technically, I'm running on about 9 hours of sleep...so I'm doing good! And Zerk gets off eleven tonight and then off tomorrow. So, I'll go to bed at midnight, no later! Or, at least, I'll try...

And so, if you can't tell how bored I am, you're not very observant. I won't clue you in until the very end, and I might not even then. It's very sad if you can't tell how bored I am....It's very obivous.

Anyways, I can't sleep, so I'm staying up for Zerk. And he gets off in one minute...exciting? Haha.

Yes, I am very amused at myself at the moment. Oh, wait, he just got off. Haha!

There's a massive blizzard supposedly coming my way, so my school may have a snowday tomorrow. I really, really hope that we don't have school. Then I get to sleep in and what-not. And plus, I'm too lazy to do my homework at the moment. Haha.

I only have Physics and Algebra 2, but still. I really don't want to do them. I really, really don't. In my opinion, it's too late for math.

So, I don't think Zerk likes me like I like him. I seriously do blame Katie. I really do. She is a possessive....witch..for lack of an appropriate term.. I really wish that I could punch her.

But, she is the pastor's daughter of my church. So, if I do that, yeah...can you say ISSUES?!

I can. See, I can even spell it..I-S-S-S-U-E-S!

See! I did it..and I even made my boredom even more clear.

Wanna know something random? I really want to read a romance novel at the moment. I really, really do. I love reading them. I can't get enough of them, I really can't!

My love life is sooo non-existent that I have to find my solace in reading, fantasizing and critisizing fiction characters', whom some author made up, love life!

That is kind of sad, if you ask me....

And yes, you can ask me, because I am the one making fun of myself..haha.

Anyways, I'm going to make this update short so that I can watch more youtube videos. I will try my best to update tomorrow! Not that anyone is actually reading these to care, but it keeps me some-what sane writing this all down.

SOO!!!!

I will talk to you all tomorrow. Good night, and drive safe, if you drive. If you ride, ride safe! WOOT TO POSSIBLE SNOW DAYS!! *sigh*...watch we have school... =(

Prank Calls

So, Kristen came over a few hours ago and we went for a walk. I know what yall are thinking, 'Why would you go for a walk in this weather?' But you see, Zerk already asked me that, so he's one step ahead. Haha

Anyways, we walked to a friends house and then on the way back to my house, we decided to have a little fun and prank call Zerk.

We called him using an anonymous number and I said, "Hello, is your refridgeorator running?" And it was in, like, this old grandma-type voice. It was so funny. And yes, I know, what an original prank, but we thought it'd be funny. And, oh boy, was it ever!

We could not stop laughing for probably fifteen minutes, at least. He was like, "What?" It was just priceless.

I soo wish I could have seen his face.

Oh, and last night, I didn't get off until around three-thirty. In the morning! Yeah, I was a bit sleep deprived since I only got about four hours of sleep.

But, man, when I'm running on four hours, I am soo hyper. And when I'm that hyper, I talk a lot. And I talk fast. And when I talk fast, I stumble over my words a lot and stutter and I also forget what I'm talking about....

So, yeah...first hour was...interesting to say the least this morning..... And I think my friend,(we'll give her a fake name as well) Hannah, officially thinks that I am on crack now or something. Haha. Oh well.

I was just very hyper. Oh, and so...Alex likes me...*sigh* And I kind of let slip that I like Zerk. His face made me feel so bad.

I was so hyper that I had no idea what I was saying until I said it. Ugh, it was horrible. I felt so bad after that.

But he didn't seem to affect him after a minute...so..that's good...right? Ugh!

Zerk just sent me this song called Whatcha say by Jason Derulo. Check it out. It's a really good song. It makes me think there may be a hidden message underneath it all...he said I'd like this song..and I do.

I'm most likely wrong, but oh well. I don't care. Let me be wrong for the moment.

It's like when they say If dreams are better than reality, I never want to wake up. That's how I fell. In my dreams, he's mine. I don't want to wake up to not having him...

Hhmm..

Zerk just got off work a little bit ago and got on. I'm currently talking to him. He kept asking me these weird questions like, 'what's your fave colors', 'what's your fave animal', 'what's your fave insect', and 'what's your fave scenary'?

I was like... "You're so weird.." Then Kristen told me that he's only trying to figure out what to get me for Christmas, but I don't want him to get me anything. Him being there is all I need.

I want to get him something though. I just don't know what. Kristen and I are going to get him a gag gift. I won't tell what...well, I'll tell you after he sees it. Just in case.

What do you get a guy? I know his favorite color is blue. He told me that in, like, May or something. I still remember.

I'm asking him right now, but he's being slow and hasn't answered me yet. Do you guys have any ideas? I am in desparate need for an idea! Our Christmas party is on the 22nd...I think.

We have to have it early because that's when he's going to be in town. Oh well, I'll still get to spend time with him before I go to Memphis. That's all I care about. And I can't wait to hang out with Kristen and Matt.

Carl used to be in our group. Our group was: Carl, Kristen, Matt, and me. Now it's going to be Zerk, Kristen, Matt, and me. And Carl if he wants, but I doubt he'll show up. So, this shall be interesting. I can't wait to find out how interesting though.

I always have troubles getting gifts for people. You never know what they might like. I have to get one for Kristen, one for Matt, one for Zerk, one for Carl, and one for (let's take a second to make up a name...hhmm...oh! I got it!) Alex.

*Sigh* And I don't even have that much money. Like, at all.

I barely have a quarter, let alone enough money to buy all these people things. But oh well, I'll figure it out. I always have. *sigh*

He answered my question though, finally. But, all he said is that he's not picky. That he'd take four pennies. There is no way that I'm going to give him only four pennies!

I am not that mean! Haha. Anyways, I don't know what to get him and it's driving me insane!!

Please, I really need ideas. Kristen and I are trying to come up with some things, but it's difficult.

And now, Kristen made me remember some bad memories about Katie. Memories that got me confessing about when I almost killed myself. It wasn't because of her, but I did. I tried to three times.

Anyways, Zerk has been trying to get over her. I said something that I think sounded mean to him about it. I really didn't mean to. And now I feel really guily about it.

I don't want him to be mad at me. I really really don't. Ugh. I'm going to get off of here so that I can concentrate on him for now. Bye guys. Remember to comment your ideas.

The Dream

So, I had a dream last night after I got off of here. I dreamed that it was summer and I had gone for a walk. My phone was in my pocket, so I didn't feel too scared. I hate the dark with a passion, so I have to have some kind of light, or if I'm walking outside, I have to have my phone just in case.

But, anyways, I was walking down this street where the street lamp had gone out, and the next one wasn't for a ways down. I was walking, minding my own business, when all of a sudden, someone grabbed me from behind and threw me to the ground.

I was terrified, I didn't know what to do. I looked up and the guy had a baseball cap on and the shadow was covering his face. I don't know why there was a shadow, since there was no street lamp, but it was a dream, so anything could have happened.

Well, he took out a gun and pointed it at my chest. He fired one bullet into the air and another one right in the middle of my ribs. The pain was unbearable. It was getting harder and harder to bear it and breathe by the minute.

I guess he hadn't realized I had a phone, or was still conscious, because he just walked away. I shakily got out my cell phone and scrolled through my contacts. I didn't have to look very long because his name is the very last name in my contacts, so I just had to press up.

I called his cell phone thinking that he would either be on duty(he was working at the PD in my town) or just getting off. He answered on the fourth ring.

"Hello? Brittany(let's just say my name's Brittany)?" I was breathing deeply and it was hard to talk. "Hello? Brittany, are you there?" I nodded, and then remembered I was supposed to be talking on the phone.

"Yeah, Zerk, I'm here. Kind of." I guess my voice had sounded strange, and combine that if the fact that it took me so long to respond, he was a bit worried. "Brittany, are you okay?" I could heat his buddies in the background laughing at some unknown joke.

Zerk shushed them and returned to our conversation. "No, I'm not. Some guy shot me." I heard him gasp and open a car door. "Where are you? I'll come to you..Just tell me where you are. Are you alright? Are you applying pressure to the wound?" "I'm at the corner of....Wilson and Emerson Drive. And yes, I'm applying pressure." To be honest, I hadn't even thought of that, but I started to once he said it. Then I heard him call to his buddies. "Hey! I'm on the phone with a girl who's been shot. We need to get an ambulance to the corner of Wilson and Emerson Drive, stat!" Then he spoke into the phone, "I'm on my way, just hold tight. Keep talking to me, so that you don't pass out from blood loss. Why are you at the corner of Wilson this late at night, anyways?"

I gasped a little in pain. The pain was getting worse. "I went for a walk. Please hurry. I don't know how much longer I can keep myself conscious." I heard the sirens through the phone and coming towards me. "We're almost there, just hang on, Brittany. Everything's going to be okay."

I nodded, not having the energy to respond verbally. Then I saw the cop car whip around the corner and screech to a halt alongside of the curb. Zerk jumped out of the driver's side and ran towards me, shoving his phone into his pocket.

"Why didn't you call 911?" "Because I knew that if I had called you, it'd be faster and a more sure way that help would get here in time." He nodded and lifted up my shirt to see the wound. he had shot me right below where my bra stopped.

"Zerk, I have to tell you something. Especially if I don't make it." I really thought that I was going to die. He was sitting on the ground next to me and had moved my hand away so that he could apply more pressure to the wound. He pulled me towards his chest so that I was laying on his thighs and almost curled into his chest. One of his arms was wrapped around my shoulders, the other was keeping the pressure applied.

"Nothing's going to happen, I promise. You're not going to die. I won't let it happen." I shook my head. "You don't have any control over that, and you know it. You're just trying to make me feel better. But, I have to say this, just in case. Zerk, I...I..I love you. I love you, Zerk. I have for awhile now." His eyes widdened the tiniest bit and I faintly heard one of his buddies let out a whistle.

"Brittany," He said, looking into my eyes intently, "I love you too. I didn't realize how much until now, but I do." Then he placed his lips on mine and we shared one of those moments where you never want it to end. But, all too soon, it did. I could hear the ambulance getting closer. But it was getting much harder to breathe.

"Zerk, Zerk, I can't....it's too hard...I can't hold on any longer." After my sentence was over, it was like I switched point of views. I became a bystander, watching as my frail and bloodied body went limp and my eyes shut for what seemed would be the last time.

I almost started to hyperventilate as I watched myself die and Zerk yell and scream in pain, saying, "NO! She can't be dead! She can't! I promised her! NO!!" I started crying. It was just too much to take in. You could hear the pure agony in his words.

Then the ambulance came to a halt and the EMT's rushed out and got a bed. Zerk picked up my body and carried it to the back of the ambulance where he laid it down on the 'bed'. He looked up at the EMT's and said, "Save her. Now." He was terrified and he was ticked. He had just confessed his love and had it taken away all in a moment's notice.

The EMT's grabbed the paddles and charged them up. "Clear!" I could feel a rush of electricity surge through my body, even though I was watching it happen.

"Take it up! Again! Clear!" Another surge of electricity. They did this four more times and every time I felt the surge. And then they gave up hope. I was presumed dead. Until Zerk spoke up.

"No! One more time! One more time is all it'll take! I know it! Just do it! Now!" They looked at him in sorrow. "I'm sorry, pal. She's gone. There's nothing we can do." I felt my heart break in two. I was dead. "NO! There has to be something! DO IT AGAIN!" So they did, reluctantly.

I think they only did it so as not to get shot. Again, I felt the surge of electricity. Again, nothing happened.

"AGAIN! ONE MORE TIME! Please...She's all I have." They did it again. But this time, I not only felt the electricity, but I felt my heart start to pund once more. The EMT guys looked down in shock. "She's alive!" One of them said.

Zerk grabbed my hand and held on. I was still a bystander and could feel his hand in mine. It was warm and familiar.

They strapped me down to the bed and put me into the ambulance and Zerk followed suit. Without even moving my feet, I was all of a sudden sitting next to Zerk in the ambulance. He was staring at my body with tears in his eyes.

When we arrived at the hospital and were walking inside, I disappeared and became the one of me that was strapped to the bed, holding Zerk's hand. And that's when I awoke in my dream. He was letting go of my head, but I grabbed it and said, "No, don't leave me!" "I have to, but I won't leave the hospital. I promise. You're going to be fine. I'll see you when you get out of surgery. Okay?" I nodded and let go of his hand. But before they carted me away, he leaned down and kissed me on the lips, just a gently kiss, but one none-the-less.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Kirsten run up to Zerk with Matt hot on her heels. I waved at Zerk and he waved back, and then turned and started to explain to Kirsten and Matt.

My dream went black for awhile, but then I 'woke up' in a hospital room, where Zerk was holding my hand and my mom was sleeping on the couch. Kirsten was sitting in the chair at the foot of the bed, doing homework. I looked over at Zerk and realized he was asleep as well.

My wound hurt a bit, but I was alive, I had found the love of my life, and I had family and friends here who were worried about me. Life was good, well except the hole in my chest, but you know what I mean. I was at peace, finally.

I smiled to myself and looked around at the people who were here. I knew that there were more of my friends and family who probably wanted to be here, but couldn't or didn't know about it or had already been up to 'see' me. So, I was happy and content.

And that's where I woke up in real life. It was a pretty intense dream, if I do say so myself. But I've heard that if you die in your dreams, you die in real life. Well, I guess I really didn't die, because right before I 'died' I became a bystander. And they also revived me, so I guess..that doesn't count? I don't know.

If anyone has any ideas as to what that dream meant, please share them with me. I would love to know! I really would. I'm confused by that dream a little bit, but oh well. I'll try to update again tomorrow. I'm trying to make this an everyday thing and update you on my 'troubles or praises with 'love''. So, it is almost eleven-thiry at the moment and I am exhausted. So, I am going to go to bed. Good night everyone, I hope you have better luck with love than I do. But hey, it could be worse, right? ;)

*sigh* Work

Zerk's been at work since ten o'clock this morning. Even though he didn't get off until around two-thirty this morning, he still managed to get up and get to work. Well, I assume he did. I haven't heard from him since he signed out.

But I imagine he's fine. He should've gotten around seven hours of sleep. So he should be perfectly fine. He works at a grocery store as Assistant Manager. And he also works at the local PD part-time. So he worked at the store from ten until six, and then at the PD from six until six in the morning tomorrow.

Tomorrow, he'll come home, sleep from seven a.m. until two in the after noon, get up, and get ready for work again. Then he works from three until eleven tomorrow afternoon. So, basically, he won't have time to get on or text me until tomorrow night at around eleven. And even then, I won't be staying on that long because I'll have school the next day.

It just sucks that he has to work so much. Especially since he lives about two and a half hours away or so, but he told me that he's going to try to get a job here. So, I hope that he does. I really do.

I was also thinking early, I wonder what he'd think if he found this blog. I mean, he'd know who I was talking about, since the details I use are so...realistic.

I just wonder what he'd think of me for saying stuff like this. I don't even think he knows about how much I like him. I think that's for the best though, you know? I don't know. My friend Kristen thinks he'd make a perfect boyfriend for me. We're so much alike.

But my friend (whom we will call......Carl) thinks that it wouldn't work out because we're too close of friends. And maybe he's right, but I don't know. It'd like to have the chance to find out for myself, instead of always having to wonder..hhmm..I wonder how things could be different if Zeak and I had dated. Would things be different? Would they be the same? Would I be happy? Would it last? Things like that.

Always that 'Would it?'s and 'What if?'s.

But oh well, if he likes me, I hope he'll tell me soon. I really really do. Maybe we could have a chance at something...you know? I don't know..There's always the slight possibility though, I guess.