In Need of Answers

Right now, I don't care about using fake names. I'm not in the mood to coat anything. I'm sorry for not updating in a few days, but it's not like anyone really cares whether I do or not.

Friday, one of my best friends, Allen, kind of flipped out on me. He told me that I frustrate him and that I annoy him and he was going to stop talking to me. I don't understand why, but whatever. My friend, Kayla, and I figured that he likes me. I made the mistake of telling him about the guy I like.

I told him all about this guy pretty much. I told him that I wanted to tell this guy that I like him. I could tell that is was a sore spot, but I didn't pay much attention to it. All night Friday he kept bugging me and demanding that I tell that guy. And then he gave up.

He said, "I don't know why I care so much whether you tell him or not. I couldn't care less, really. So, I give up. I know you're not going to send that to him. I don't care anymore."

It hurt at first. And then I just put it to the back of my mind. He was somewhat fine the next day. I even told him that he was one of my best friends. And he said that I am one of his.

Sunday, he came to my youth group. He was perfectly fine. He was messing around with me, he was playing with me. He was joking with me. He was completly normal. And then today came around.

He was perfectly fine. I saw him before and after 2nd hour and before 4th. He acted completly normal. Then, it was lunch time.

A friend of Kayla's and mine, Ellen, sat down in Allen's spot. Well, he'd been in study hall and in a different lunch for the past 4 and a half weeks, so he hadn't been there. I asked her to move because that was his spot. When he got out of the lunch line, he sat at a different table. He didn't even look over at us.

In the hallway, he didn't sit by us like he usually does. We usually walk to 6th hour together, but he blew me off and left me.

Afterschool, he sent me a text saying that he won't be sitting with us anymore. That he gives up on me.

He said, "I can't leave for 4 and a half weeks without you changing everything. I sat in the same spot while I was in study hall and I get back and everythings changed."

I told him about me asking Ellen to move. He said, "I don't care anymore, Brandi. I quit caring about a lot of stuff a long time ago." Then he said he didn't want to talk anymore.

To me, it sounds as if he doesn't want to be friends with me anymore. A little over a month ago, I recieved a text from him saying, "You're a good friend. You know that?" How could that have changed so drastically? How could things have changed so much in the course of one weekend?

How did I manage to lose him like that? Is it my fault?

His cousin told me that Allen likes me. I knew that. He also said that I am a very flirtatious person. That's true, I can't help it. I never even know that I'm doing it.

He said that he probably got the wrong impression. Allen and I talked about dating a few weeks back. We agreed that it would be best not to. And plus, he has a girlfriend.

I don't understand how I screwed up this time. I really don't. I really wish there was someone that could clue me in, because I have no idea. And I would really like to know. This wednesday and Thursday we have mid-term exams. He pulled this crap right before exams.

I am so stressed out about everything at the moment, that it feels as if my head is about to explode. I don't know what to do anymore. Everyone keeps telling me not to worry about it. Don't think about it. He'll come around!

But what if he doesn't? What if he decides he never wants to see my face ever again? He was one of my best friends. I can't lose him. I told him everything. How do I deal with that?

I can't just sit back and let him pull this crap with me. It'd be like letting him walk all over me. I need him as my friend. I don't have many in which I can call my best friends. If he leaves, I have a feeling he won't be coming back..And it scares me. It really does.

My friends say, he's not worth getting stressed about. And they're probably right. But I can't help it. It really hurt when he said those things to me. It hurt so much that I cried. Friday, he made me feel so guilty. I haven't mentioned half the things he said to me.

Today, he made me feel somewhat worthless. As if I'm just a pawn in a game. Well, I don't want to be a pawn. I want to make a difference. I want to make a difference to someone. Right now, I don't feel like I am. I do feel worthless. I feel like no one should care about me anymore.

Now, I'm probably being overly dramatic, but you try having your best friend tell you some of the things he's said to me over the past few days. You'd say the same thing. You try having a very close friend of yours say something where it feels like he's stabbing a knife through your heart.

Okay, I'm done ranting. For now. I might wirte another post, just for the heck of it. No one is on right now and I have no one to talk to. You're my only source of entertainment at the moment.

Anyways, let me know if y0u have any adivice. Talk to whoever reads this later. Not that any one even reads this anyways..but still.